Hot Damn, Evan Peters is in Love With Me

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My longest Evan Peters relation was over three weeks. Yes, nearly a month. Longer than some actual relationships I’ve had. For this one I learned a new platform called Google Chat. “Evan Peters” taught me a lot of new things like Telegram, Signal and WhatsApp. Not to mention helping me to brush up on my current knowledge of Facebook messenger and the ever-loving Instagram DMs.  FYI-Google Chat is the worst because anyone can set up an account under any name. It is totally untraceable.

But back to my new Evan Peters. Did you know that it only took 1.5 days for Evan Peters to fall in love with me? Evan Peters is a slut! The conversation started off “normal” enough. He asked me “how did you become a lover of my work”.  Gag! But you are Evan Peters so I will not question and I reply and move along.  These conversations grew more difficult than I thought they would be.  I would tell him tidbits about my life and he would tell me basically nothing. Super boring. It’s like the time I dated a guy in the army who was also dating a bunch of other girls. Each day I had to remind him who I was and why he liked me. What made it more difficult is that the army guy—much  like my scammer—had a limited vocabulary. Eventually it becomes tedious. They all try flattery. Only problem is they kinda suck at it. Below is one of my many messages from my love-stricken Evan Peters.

Too many damn emojis man. This made me a little queasy.  I’m the girl who sought out the movie that made Rob Zombie uncomfortable just to see if I could handle it. I mean just to be clear: First, I’m not 16 so this does nothing for me. And second, I’m more of a low maintenance just smack me on the ass and tell me I’m hot kinda girl.  But I digress.

This went on for weeks. What did he want? For the love of God and my sanity, ask me for money already. Then I started to wonder if I had ignored an obvious conclusion. Did he actually think he was Evan Peters? Awww, poor sad and sick man. It’s time to give him a little push.  The actual and for real Evan Peters was doing an event in LA for SAG.

I told my lovey-dovey “Evan Peters” that I felt so strongly for him that I was going to fly to LA to see him at this event. I was willing to pay for the flight and a hotel room. I didn’t want to be so forward as to think I would be staying at his house. I’m a lady people! Meanwhile, if you know anything about scammers they won’t talk on the phone, they won’t do facetime, and they sure as shit will not meet in person. I told him I was buying my ticket and because I live on the east coast it was going to be expensive. At this point I am ear to ear grinning and foot stomping laughing so hard because I just know he is shitting a brick right about now. His comeback? That there will be fans there and he doesn’t want to put me in a position where he would have to pretend not to know me.  WHAT??? I thought I invaded his blood and seized his heart? Now he is ashamed to know me? Mind you this man cannot say a damn thing at this point to avoid trouble, and I am loving it.  Oh, come on, scammers deserve it. So, I broke up with “Evan Peters.”  These are words I never ever thought I would be typing. It kind of hurts a little to type if I’m being honest.

Did you know that even if you delete Google Chat, the messages come to your gmail? Put this under the things I now know that I wish I knew then. I let him sit for two days. Boo hoo! Look how dramatic I am. BTW I’m not but it was kinda fun to pretend. When I finally do talk to him I tell him all will be forgiven if he gives me my own unique picture. I just want something for me. Something no one else has ever seen. In other words, I know about Google images dude. How did Evan Peters get me back? If you have a weak stomach, then please turn away because this photo is cringe worthy. After about another day of talking about the photo I was about to get and how I can’t share it with anyone because it would ruin his pristine reputation, he sent me this:

I tried to warn you. Little secret, through my job, I can spot a photoshop job from half a mile away. This one jumped off the screen and punched me in the throat. Still… still, he hasn’t asked me for money. But I continue. He now has the nerve to want my devotion for “giving me what I need”.  Oh! Evan Peters this is the bestest and most precious photo I have ever received and I will keep it with me always and hold it close to my heart and sleep with it by my bed, blah, blah blah.

FINALLY, after nearly a month he gets really serious and tells me not to tell his management but he makes money on side investments. He isn’t just a pretty face, you know? He is smart as well. He tells me about something having to do with extracting oil from foreign countries and being paid in crypto. Admittedly, I am only half paying attention because I know where this is leading. Of course, “Evan,” if it is good enough for you then I am definitely interested. He had invested around $40,000 but I should really only invest $10,000 to $20,000 to get started. Should he send over the information?

Yes please send it over. Please! All I need now is an email from his fake “management” and then half a day of Evan Peters Wack A Mole™ and I am free.  No more emojis and flowers and bad photoshopped photos.

One month- $20,000 game over

I apologize that this interlude does not include music, but I thought it was important to get a few brief details on the record. Although I talked to nearly 15 Evan Peters’ over seven months, I did not send any of them naked pictures. In fact, the only pictures I ever sent were ones that were already posted. I figured if they are going to search for Evan Peters photos and say they are “new” then I can send my pictures and do the same. I also never blatantly lied. I did bend the truth. Sure, I bent it more than a gymnast at competition but I never flat out lied. I just made it seem like I was home, alone, naked, swimming in all my disposable income. Not my fault that they didn’t ask any deeper questions beyond that.